lyrics by Ben Williamson and Bret Victor
music by Billy Joel, to the tune of "Uptown Girl".

(intro vocals)

Caltech girl,
She's been livin' in her Caltech world.
Bet she never had a double-E guy,
Bet her advisor never told her why
I'm gonna try

For a Caltech girl,
I even taught her how to code in Perl.
Then I lent her my H.P.
She never even gave it back to me,
But I have three.

And when she's walking,
I'm stalking, so close behind.
And when she's talking,
She says she loves my big huge mind.
She knows I'm not so buff,
That's okay, I'm in love

With my Caltech girl,
She even gave me her homepage url.
Now we chat on IRC all night,
Without my glasses on, she looks all right,
She's out of sight!

(bridge vocals)

Caltech girl, she's my Caltech girl,
You know I'm in love with my
Caltech girl, she's my Caltech girl,
You know I'm in love...
(fade out)

Bret Victor and Ben Williamson
Rape After Death Productions

Opening shot is a full view of Millikan library, from the pond side.

(Intro vocals)
Girl walks across Millikan bridge. Camera zooms in and follows her as she walks to Parson-Gates and goes inside.

Caltech girl,
Scene is inside Parson-Gates. Singer steps into foreground.

She's been livin' in her Caltech world.
Girl starts filling out a drop card in background.

Bet she never had a double-E guy,
Singer pulls out soldering iron from pocket.

Bet her advisor never told her why
Dean Revel starts talking with girl in background.

I'm gonna try
For a Caltech girl,
Scene changes to computer monitor with keyboard. Girl's hands are on the keyboard, typing code into an editor. Possibly there is a movie player window open, with the singer's head singing along.

I even taught her how to code in Perl.
Then I lent her my H.P.
Camera zooms out from computer to show singer sitting next to her, handing her his calculator.

She never even gave it back to me,
They are sitting in chairs with rolly wheels. As soon as she gets the calculator, she pushes away from the desk with her legs and rolls out of the scene.

But I have three.
Singer opens up coat to reveal three other calculators on the inside.

And when she's walking,
Scene changes to girl walking by herself down the Olive Walk

I'm stalking, so close behind.
Camera shifts or zooms out slightly to show singer walking directly behind her.

And when she's talking,
She says she loves my big huge mind.
Camera switches to girl's face, where she is mouthing the words "I love your (licks lips) mind."

She knows I'm not so buff,
Scene changes to weight room in Braun. Singer is struggling to pick up dumbbell.

That's okay, I'm in love
Girl walks on, picks up dumbbell effortlessly and tosses it aside, and leans over as if to kiss singer.

With my Caltech girl,
Scene changes to Netscape screen.

She even gave me her homepage url.
Girl is typing into the address line "http://www.ugcs.caltech.edu/...."

Now we chat on IRC all night,
She minimizes Netscape window and brings up a QVT/Term window. The camera zooms out to reveal that girl and singer are sitting at adjacent computers in ugcs, IRCing with each other.

Without my glasses on, she looks all right,
Singer takes his glasses off and as he does so, the camera goes completely out of focus.

She's out of sight!
Singer turns to girl and the camera zooms in on her. She is not much more than a blur now.

(bridge vocals)
Various shots of girl doing things, and singer there with his arm around her. Perhaps girl pouring chemicals in Chem 3 lab, girl soldering something, singer and girl playing PuyoPuyo or Bubbles together, singer and girl coming out of the tunnels, etc.

Caltech girl, she's my Caltech girl,
You know I'm in love with my
Caltech girl, she's my Caltech girl,
You know I'm in love...
Girl and singer are sitting together on the ledge in front of the Millikan board room, arms around each other, and holding a Tommy II. Girl is reading the book while the singer faces the camera and sings. As the music fades out, the camera zooms out until the scene shows the entire library, as in the opening shot, but with girl and singer as little specks near the bottom. Fade out.