Wednesday, 4/4/01

So. About that entry from a few days ago. Almost immediately after I posted it, I felt like... I shouldn't have. Not because it was false or even misleading. But because it was too honest. Too personal. Not something I would want a stranger to read. I was embarrassed, and I don't think I should feel that way.

Except for the splash screen and parts of the "Who I Am" section, this website is a fairly accurate replica of the facade I use in real life. The focus is different, of course -- this website is all about me, whereas I rarely talk about myself in real life. But both here and there, I make an effort to hide all the depression and self-loathing and non-conformity and the rest of the unpleasant personal issues that other people shouldn't have to deal with.

I'm somewhat resigned to the need for maintaining a facade in real life. In an twin effort to avoid embarrassing myself as well as not insult or bother or even inconvenience anyone else, I keep quite a bit to myself in my daily interactions. Most of the emotions that I feel are not openly expressed by other people, and those who act like I feel like acting are scorned for it. So, I hide. And I can accept that.

But here? On this webpage? On my own private playground? This is supposed to be where I can express myself, where I can construct an environment that represents how I truly am. But still I hide, determined not to scare off visitors who come in a professional context, or who are interested in my creative output rather than my emotional baggage. Still, I try to pretend that I'm "normal", that my uniqueness is confined to the acceptable dimensions, that I'm not a freak.

Fine. So what? What's wrong with the facade? Why do I want to take it down now?

I think it's because... without Joanne... I have no one to open up to anymore. Blawg is my only emotional outlet now.

And I think it's because... without Joanne... and without school, I will soon have no ties or obligations to anyone or anything, and with that terrifying solitude comes the opportunity to start my life over. The constant stress of projecting an image and internalizing all thoughts and emotions is wearing on me, and maybe I will be able to give that up. Here would be a good place to start.

This doesn't mean that all blawg entries from now on will be depressing, self-serving monuments to my neuroses. By no means. I am simply trying to gather the motivation to not censor myself. To say what I feel like saying.