On December 25, 1997, I entered an internet chatroom for the first time.

The following is a transcript of what transpired.

I might have gotten a little carried away.

I have never entered a chatroom since.

Joining: About Sex...
Channel joined.

(3:33)*** Farmer Bob has joined.

trisha val: oh...nothing at all gizzie..

gizzie: ok

Farmer Bob: Hi, I'm Farmer Bob! I like to farm! And have sex!

Randy*: glad to know that, bob...

Farmer Bob: I have the male sex myself. What ya'll have?

NENA99: trisha val....where are you from?

Farmer Bob: I used to think there was only two kinds, but then Sally was born.

Randy*: hey, sens...

Sensual_M: hiya R

trisha val: well ....well....Sensual_M...

Farmer Bob: Sally was our mule. Sally had a rod, but no tackle, if you know what I mean.

trisha val: merry xmas to you Sens

Farmer Bob: So we called her Sally.

Farmer Bob: Can't be a man without tackle, you know.

Sensual_M: Trisha..(walks over.takes hand.bows.kisses hand gently.)

Farmer Bob: That's why football is so popular!

trisha val: sorry NENA....I am from England....but now I lived in Singapore with my husband

Sensual_M: sorry randy.couldnt control myself

Farmer Bob: Speaking of tackle, ya'll like fishing?

Randy*: Bob...me thinks you are a lonely person...no one to talk to around the farm....

Farmer Bob: I used to fish in Singapore, back during the war.

trisha val: (---- what Randy said

Farmer Bob: Then they shot my wife, and I had ta leave.

NENA99: trisha val.....ever been to Seattle???

Farmer Bob: I am lonely ever since Bessie got rabies.

gizzie: that is high bob

Farmer Bob: I'll miss that cow.

trisha val: I was from Morley Sens....

Farmer Bob: She used to sing me to sleep every night!

Farmer Bob: So, ya'll like bowling?

Randy*: Bob....is there something you want to tell us??

gizzie: how much trisha lol

Farmer Bob: Heck no, Randy! I'm here to chat!

trisha val: what is Farmer Bob talking about...

Farmer Bob: Ya'll wanna chat about tractors?

trisha val: gizzie....asked Randy...

Sensual_M: We had our office party in Morley................

Randy*: and doing quite well, bob...

trisha val: that is nice Sens...

Farmer Bob: I knew a feller named Morley once.

Farmer Bob: Got rabies after being bitten by Bessie. Had to put him to sleep.

Randy*: I have to admit...he is making me laugh...

trisha val: who baby??..Farmer Bob??

Farmer Bob: Funny thing was, Bessie didn't even have any teeth left then.

Farmer Bob: Poor Morley sorta got gummed to death. Sad sight.

trisha val: interesting bloke...

trisha val: what a shame Farmer..

Farmer Bob: I once bloke my kneecap once.

Farmer Bob: Had to amputate the leg.

trisha val: which leg Farmer...

Randy*: sorry to hear that, bob...

Farmer Bob: Had to ampulate the other once after Bessie had dinner one night.

trisha val: wait...who is Bessie again???

Randy*: the cow...

Sensual_M: get around much Farmer Bob????????hahahahaha

Farmer Bob: Bessie's my trusty ol' cow!

trisha val: oh...okay...

Farmer Bob: Oh, I been around the block once or twice.

Sensual_M: FB have u lost it.?

Farmer Bob: On my tractor.

trisha val: and you got your leg amputate...how sad

Sensual_M: rofl......................

trisha val: got your leg amputated on your tractor???

Randy*: the cow had to have dinner, honey...

Farmer Bob: Then my stumps got gangrene and they had to amputate my torso.

Sensual_M: best birthday treat so far

trisha val: LOL.....i am trying to make sense of what Farmer is saying darling....

Randy*: where are you, sens??

Farmer Bob: I'm not much but a head and a pair of arms right now.

Sensual_M: england.

Randy*: dont try, baby...

trisha val: torso too.....so you dont have a .....wellll....

Farmer Bob: Makes it had to pull the tractor, but my wife don't seem to mind.

Farmer Bob: Though sometimes she mistakes me for a scarecrow.

trisha val: a scarecrow with no torso....

Farmer Bob: Ya'll like stuffin' straw down yer shirts?

Randy*: lolol

*** ~nan~BRB is now known as ~nan~

Sensual_M: what abt u randy....

trisha val: it gets very itchy Farmer...

Randy*: nan...be careful...

Farmer Bob: If I only had a brain...

Farmer Bob: Itchy!

gizzie: hi nan

trisha val: wb nan...hugs

Farmer Bob: Don't talk to me about itchy!

Randy*: I sell toys for a living, sens....

~nan~: lol Why Randy

Randy*: wb, naner...

Farmer Bob: EVERYTHING gets me itchy nowadays!

Farmer Bob: Lice, nutrisweet, novicane, you name it!

trisha val: now how about that Farmer....itchy Farmer Bob

Randy*: farmer bob....(think he forgot his medicine this morning...)

~nan~: and around all that hay

gizzie: nan where from

trisha val: LOL@Randy

Randy*: yeah, sens...do ok....

Farmer Bob: That god durn medicine makes me itch.

Farmer Bob: Ya'll like computers?

trisha val: supposed to take it or put it on Farmer...the medicine I mean...

Randy*: you guys excuse me for a sec...need to make some coffee....

Farmer Bob: My nephew got me this computer for christmas!

trisha val: okay baby...

Rich1: I'm about to send this machine into long island sound!!!!!!

Sensual_M: 2 sugars randy

trisha val: now isnt that nice Farmer...

Randy*: will do, sens...lol

trisha val: LOL...Rich...poor man

~nan~: Oh ..... Rich it will get better

Farmer Bob: He said it would be even better than my typewriter, but I couldn't find where to put the ribbon in.

Rich1: can't get worse!!!!!!

trisha val: LMAO@Farmer BOB

~nan~: LOL

Sensual_M: you're surreal Farmer.......

gizzie: your from new york farmer

trisha val: the man is cuckoo but damn it he is one funny bloke!!!

Sensual_M: second that

Farmer Bob: Woulda been nice to have electricity round these parts though.

trisha val: LOLOLOL....

Sensual_M: what parts

Farmer Bob: I gotta hand-crank this generater all the time just to stay on-line!

trisha val: just how do you operate your computer farmer??.....by generators???

Sensual_M: is that why youre [panting

trisha val: must be hard to hand-crank and type Farmer

Farmer Bob: I'm from Castro Valley, California!

Sensual_M: I gotta go.keep crying on keyboard.brb

Sensual_M: rofl

trisha val: bye Sens

Farmer Bob: Well, with only two arms and not much else, I get used to hand-cranking, if you know what I mean!

~nan~: is that central Cal...Farmer

Sensual_M: cu later..please........

~nan~: Bye Sensual

Sensual_M: *smiles*

Rich1: hello again Nan...:)

gizzie: how can you throw anything into the long island sound from there

Sensual_M: bye nan

~nan~: Hello again Rich WB

Rich1: from where...? I'm right on Long Island Sound

Farmer Bob: Bay area. 'round oakland.

trisha val: still laughing here....

Farmer Bob: Ya'll like bowling?

~nan~: Oh....how did your cow get rabies???

Farmer Bob: Round here we play bowling with cows.

Farmer Bob: It's like cow-tipping except with ten of 'em.

trisha val: bowling with cows????

trisha val: LMAO!!!!

Farmer Bob: And a big spherical piece of cow dung.

Rich1: udder nonsense!!!!

Farmer Bob: Yee haw!

~nan~: LOL Rich

Farmer Bob: Oh don't get me started on udders!

Farmer Bob: They make me itch.

~nan~: LOL

trisha val: LOLOL....nan..help me out here!!

trisha val: yepper....thought you say everything make you itch Farmer

gizzie: whats wrong trisha

Farmer Bob: My cow got rabies by playing with my wife.

~nan~: can't trish....the roosters are crowing around here

Farmer Bob: Finally had to put her to sleep.

trisha val: cant breath...laughing to hard...

~nan~: oh shit

~nan~: LMAO

trisha val: nan!!!...dont YOU make me start too!!

Randy*: now what is this loon saying??

Farmer Bob: But not before one last roll in the hay.

gizzie: the cow or the wife farmer

Farmer Bob: That's why they took off my legs.

trisha val: he's playing bowling with his cows darling...

Farmer Bob: But it was worth it.

~nan~: the farmers wife

Randy*: cow bowling??

trisha val: yes darling....dont even ask...

Randy*: with a tractor??

~nan~: lmao

trisha val: LMAO

Farmer Bob: Ya'll like metamucil?

Rich1: nice ass, Nan

trisha val: what's a metamucil...

Randy*: huh?

Farmer Bob: Only thing that gets me up in the mornings nowadays.

Randy*: makes you shit, honey...

trisha val: oh...

gizzie: i noticed nan's ass too

Farmer Bob: I got an ass!

Farmer Bob: His names Fred!

~nan~: oh thanks Rich.....looks at rear end....Yeah I thinks so

Farmer Bob: Darn good mule.

trisha val: but you dont have a torso Farmer

Randy*: lol, naner...

Farmer Bob: Had to put him to sleep though. Rollin' in the hay with Bessie too much.

~nan~: must be feeling better

Farmer Bob: Plus, he made me itch.

trisha val: who??....the mule??

~nan~: need to take more of that stuff...

trisha val: baby....help!!

Rich1: what.. metamucil???

trisha val: LMAO.....

~nan~: LOL Rich

Randy*: Farmer Bob...a.k.a.....Rodney Dangerfield...

gizzie: whats wrong nan

~nan~: had a headache

trisha val: pray tell me who is Rodney d??

Randy*: will come back if you stick around here....

~nan~: oh trish

gizzie: thats all nan that is not bad

Randy*: a comedian, honey...

trisha val: oh nan...

~nan~: lmao

trisha val: oh...okay babycakes..

trisha val: you stop that lmao woman!!!

~nan~: pooor Rich

Farmer Bob: Ya'll hang on, my dad-gurn ISP's actin' up.

trisha val: LMAO!!!

Randy*: bob is taking a breather...thank god...

Randy*: rich went poof again, huh..too bad...hehehehehe

trisha val: well..I cant breath....laughing too hard

gizzie: so much for animal jokes

trisha val: babycakes....be nice

~nan~: LMAO

Randy*: why?

Farmer Bob: Baby cakes! We once made baby cakes with little Jimmy!

trisha val: becoz its Christman darling....

Randy*: is Christmas...I get to be what i want to be...

Farmer Bob: Yummy!

trisha val: oh no!!!....he's alive!!

Randy*: you tell me...

Farmer Bob: So, why's this channel called "About Sex"?

Farmer Bob: What there to talk about?

Randy*: afternoons are when you meet new friends, remember??

Farmer Bob: I don't know nuthin about "about sex".

~nan~: I really like the mornings Randy

Farmer Bob: You either get it or you don't.

~nan~: neither do we Farmer

Randy*: me too, naner...

Farmer Bob: At least that's what momma taught me, with them birds and bees and critters.

trisha val: nope..me three

gizzie: we are not getting it now

trisha val: your momma taught you how to do it with the critters??

~nan~: Hey Sue

~nan~: LOL trisha

Randy*: hey, susie....

Farmer Bob: My momma showed my by example!

gizzie: be nice trisha

trisha val: hehehe...nan

Farmer Bob: She was a decent woman, rest her soul.

Farmer Bob: Had to put her to sleep too. Made me itch.

trisha val: gizzie....i am nice...

~nan~: LOL

Randy*: lol, bob...

Farmer Bob: Had to send her to the big pigpen in the sky.

trisha val: LMAO!!!!!!

~nan~: stop

Randy*: the man types like the wind....

~nan~: LMAO

Farmer Bob: Wind!

Randy*: must be doing 60 wpm....

trisha val: and he hand crank the computer too...imagine that

gizzie: i know wher your going with the farmer jokes trisha

Farmer Bob: Don't get me started on passing wind!

Farmer Bob: Darn metamucil!

trisha val: dont start on the wind Farmer...have pity on us here!

Randy*: must have missed that...

Farmer Bob: Wake up darn tootin some mornings!

~nan~: LMAO

trisha val: gizzie...i dont know meself...

trisha val: LMAO

Farmer Bob: That's how our rooster Phil died.

trisha val: nan!!!....stop laughing!!...LOLOL

~nan~: I'm going to wake everybody up....stop

Farmer Bob: Gas poisoning. Just like them canaries in coal mines.

trisha val: my husband will think i'm a loony!!

~nan~: rotflmao

gizzie: farmer makes it easy to come up with jokes

trisha val: LMFAO!!!!!!!!

~nan~: so will mine Trisha

Farmer Bob: Ya'll like husbands?

gizzie: are n't you loony

Farmer Bob: Never tried it myself, but I heard it's not a bad way to live.

trisha val: they are okay for sex...I think

~nan~: LOL

Farmer Bob: Ya'll like sky-divin?

trisha val: nan...LOLOL

~nan~: not if your married

Randy*: and for credit cards...dont forget...

gizzie: we love you too trisha

trisha val: awww....gizzie....be nice

Farmer Bob: Yeah, never let them married men sky-dive.

~nan~: oh yeah ....the credit cards

gizzie: lol trisha

trisha val: lovers are good for credit cards too....

Farmer Bob: Don't know how to pull their rip cords anymore, if you know what I mean.

Randy*: uh huh....

trisha val: LMAO....you crack me up Farmer!!!

Farmer Bob: Ya'll like undersea bass fishin'?

Farmer Bob: Caught a viola once, but never a bass.

trisha val: never tried that one before Farmer

Farmer Bob: A little bit too stringy for my taste.

Farmer Bob: I like the wood winds myself.

~nan~: LOL

trisha val: LMAO........

Farmer Bob: I just go in the woods, and WHEW let that wind go!!

trisha val: oh my....

Farmer Bob: Darn metamucil.

Farmer Bob: But ya'll already know about my wind.

trisha val: LOL...yes we do Farmer....

~nan~: Hey Horny

Farmer Bob: Horns!

Randy*: What is amazing me is that his fingers are going as fast as his mind....

horny guy: hey there

Farmer Bob: Don't get me started on horns!

~nan~: LOL Randy

Randy*: I wish I had the dexterity...

trisha val: uh huh darling.....

gizzie: please spar us

trisha val: oh you do my love....

Farmer Bob: I had a deer once with great big horns.

Randy*: lol, baby...

trisha val: you mean spare...I hope gizzie

Farmer Bob: Wait, them was antlers.

gizzie: yes trisha

Farmer Bob: Never mind, made me itch anyhow, had to put him to sleep.

Randy*: how was that deer, bob?

Farmer Bob: Smarted like a mother.

Randy*: you said you had him?

trisha val: Farmer..you have this habit of putting everything to sleep!!

Farmer Bob: It was more deer to me that you could imagine.

Randy*: bet so...lol

~nan~: lol

Farmer Bob: Killed me a unicorn once.

trisha val: got to tell you...life with Farmer can never be dull....

Randy*: never tried a deer...tried a goat, once...naaaaaahhhhhh

Farmer Bob: Was out huntin', thought it was a squirrel.

trisha val: LMAO...Randy....

Farmer Bob: Tasted a lot like horse.

trisha val: thought if was chickens darling???

~nan~: LMAO

Randy*: just kidding...get it?? kid...ing...??

Farmer Bob: Except for the horn.

trisha val: oh good grief....

Farmer Bob: Chickens make me itch.

trisha val: chatting cam24

Farmer Bob: Ya'll like peanuts?

trisha val: the feathers you mean ...Farmer

~nan~: chicken make anything itch

Randy*: peanuts?

Farmer Bob: I like the one that says "good grief" all the time.

trisha val: I am amazed at how he can changed subject...just like that *snapping fingers*

Randy*: no, bob...thats a comic strip...

trisha val: LOL@nan

Farmer Bob: Lucy's also a favorite of mine.

Randy*: true, baby...

trisha val: we are talking about comic strip now???

Farmer Bob: We had a pig named Lucy, but we had to put her to sleep.

Farmer Bob: Now she's in the sky. With diamonds.

Randy*: I like the kid that carries the blanket around...sinus??

gizzie: it look like it trisha

Farmer Bob: (Y'know, never throw pearls before swine)

Farmer Bob: But diamonds are okay by me.

Farmer Bob: Sinus!

trisha val: there you have it folks....Farmer Bob words of wisdom

Randy*: have heard that, bob...never knew what it meant...still dont!

Farmer Bob: Don't get me started on sinus!

Farmer Bob: Sometimes I wake up in the mornings and I can't breath a bit!

Randy*: I need to do something other than this...

Randy*: starting to get Nan's headache...

Farmer Bob: Gotta hammer on my iron lung for five minutes before it starts working again!

gizzie: is any one awake at farmer house

~nan~: LOL Randy

trisha val: hand crank your lungs??

Farmer Bob: Darn iron lung makes me itch.

trisha val: the question is gizzie...is there anything still alive at the Farmer's place

Farmer Bob: My iron lung works off them fancy hydro-electric power.

gizzie: what dosen't make you itck farmer

Randy*: Bob....is there a kinder, gentler side of you?? one that doesn't talk all the time??

Farmer Bob: I live near a river, ya see?

Farmer Bob: Talk!

trisha val: how interesting...

Farmer Bob: Don't get me started on talking!

Randy*: oh man!!!

gizzie: i don't think so trisha

trisha val: LMAO!!!!

Farmer Bob: You never met my horse named Ed!

Randy*: the talking horse, right??

trisha val: wait!!!....Bessie is the cow...the mule got no name...and now Ed is the horse...

Farmer Bob: Had to put him to sleep though,

Farmer Bob: kept the neighbors up.

gizzie: of corse

Randy*: not to mention the itch....

Farmer Bob: But he gave me the best manure I ever had!

~nan~: LMAO

trisha val: there you are nan!!

Farmer Bob: Even better than cow dung for cow bowling!

Randy*: manicure??

gizzie: hi nan

trisha val: thought you had passed out or something

~nan~: Hi gizzie

gizzie: whays up nan

~nan~: just watching

Farmer Bob: Ya'll like dinosaurs?

trisha val: LOL..darling...its Xmas eve...

Farmer Bob: I got me a dino on this here farm.

Randy*: oh....

trisha val: you are a paleontologist too Farmer????

Randy*: nan...you ok??

~nan~: yes Randy

Randy*: nice word, trisha......45 pts...

Farmer Bob: It got sharp claws!

Farmer Bob: And little pointy ears!

trisha val: thank you darling....

trisha val: is it a T-rex???

Farmer Bob: And fur everywhere, and it purrs all the time and likes saucers of milk.

~nan~: oh yeah....

Farmer Bob: Yeah, I think it might be a t-rex.

trisha val: dinosours dont have furs....I think

Farmer Bob: It likes to sleep a lot.

Randy*: lolol...

Randy*: can i watch??

trisha val: eh???

Farmer Bob: I reckon so, but I usually change in private...

~nan~: sure ya come on in

Farmer Bob: But I don't have much to change nowadays.

Farmer Bob: A clean shirt will get me through the week, and that's about all I need!

~nan~: Hi Fred

Randy*: uh huh....rolling....

Farmer Bob: Life's been easier since I lost my torso and don't have to worry about undies and them stuff.

mr. pimp: any wemon want to chat?

gizzie: i would like to see that too

Randy*: ok, bob...take a breather....

Farmer Bob: Pimps!

Farmer Bob: Don't get me started on pimps!

Farmer Bob: I had a whitehead once that I squeezed and squeezed...

Randy*: BOB!!! Settle.....

Farmer Bob: and then BAM, it was like a rocket from a 747!

Randy*: oh man....eeeeccchhh....

Farmer Bob: I no longer had that not-so-fresh feeling.

mr. pimp: your funny bob!!!!

It had gotten pretty late. I left shortly after this.